The DC Zone

The Lounge => Chillout Zone => Topic started by: rwillis on July 04, 2009, 03:21:21 PM



Title: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 04, 2009, 03:21:21 PM
Fing...............  caught us  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 04, 2009, 03:35:18 PM
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.



Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 04, 2009, 03:39:32 PM
 :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 04, 2009, 03:42:14 PM
 :whistle:  :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 04, 2009, 06:18:11 PM
Glad I learned Catnip lived on 5 :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 04, 2009, 06:18:40 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 04, 2009, 06:19:37 PM
 :angevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: pwrguru on July 04, 2009, 06:30:20 PM
Glad I learned Catnip lived on 5 :devil:
We all know you went to the 6th floor first GP... :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 04, 2009, 06:32:43 PM
Yep typical woman..  :P


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 04, 2009, 07:10:22 PM
I'm allowed to change my mind :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 04, 2009, 11:16:40 PM
I'm allowed to change my mind :hoghappy:
I've heard that this is an unresolved bug in the female model of the species :hoghappy:

She changes her mind every five minutes, or when the eastern wind hits, whatever comes first


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 05, 2009, 06:27:26 AM
It's not a bug. It's a FEATURE ;D


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 05, 2009, 06:32:18 AM
 ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 05, 2009, 06:46:08 AM
 :twisted:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 05, 2009, 07:05:43 AM
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 05, 2009, 07:13:57 AM
Sounds like they were designed by Microsoft, Rick.  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 05, 2009, 07:43:05 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:

 :think:
new model / upgrade IE8


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 05, 2009, 07:50:32 AM
Sounds like they were designed by Microsoft, Rick.  :doh:

nah, we said change minds, not reboot... :P


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 05, 2009, 08:01:18 AM
 :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: pwrguru on July 05, 2009, 08:02:00 AM
It's not a bug. It's a FEATURE ;D
No it is a major BUG........... :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 05, 2009, 09:11:47 AM
nah, we said change minds, not reboot... :P

 :think: ???
dont see the difference
either way brain stops working and goes off in a different direction  :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 05, 2009, 09:34:56 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 05, 2009, 10:43:12 AM
Sounds like they were designed by Microsoft, Rick.  :doh:
That makes sense!  :o

- Everything that happens is blamed on you
- They take over all your resources and require your undivided attention
- They are always asking your opinion, in spite of not taking it into consideration and doing what they wanted to anyway
- They care more about design than actual functionality


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 05, 2009, 10:52:13 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Run taba run ....................


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 05, 2009, 11:07:46 AM
No wombats so far...

They must have been grounded because of the fireworks, or something like it :afro:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 05, 2009, 11:48:24 AM
I'd still take shelter...  Just in case...  :o  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 05, 2009, 12:32:57 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: pwrguru on July 05, 2009, 01:10:24 PM
I don't think they like to fly in the heat.............


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 05, 2009, 02:07:55 PM
Nah, they're waiting for him in the A/C with the wife :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 05, 2009, 02:22:08 PM
 :o


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 05, 2009, 02:32:13 PM
Bad jokes? Oh, I've heard some of them last week... A very mean english gent (PA from nforcers) brought to my attention some MJ jokes:


MJ's Family have consented and given Michael's body away to Lego...He will be melted down so that little boys all over the world can continue to play with him


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney? Disney can still touch kids...


Reports of Michael Jackson dying are incorrect. He was caught in the children's ward having a stroke.


Michael Jackson has cancelled all upcoming dates. One is Thomas aged 9. Another is Dylan aged 6.


Apparently Michael Jackson died picking his nose. Doctors said they couldn't blame it on the sunshine or the moonlight. They blamed it on the boogie.


Jockeys at tomorrows horseracing meetings will wear black armbands out of respect for Jacko who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anyone in living memory


Early reports are that the Hospital does not know what to do with the body as plastic recycling is not collected until next Thursday.


McDonalds are commemorating Michael Jackson with the McJacko, a piece of 50 year old albino meat between two 8 year old buns


At the autopsy they found children's underwear strapped to his upper arm. According to his doctors it is just a patch, he's been trying to quit for a while.


Micheal Jacksons ghost has been spotted in a childrens ward.. Looks like he is still trying to put the willies up small children


MJ didnt die due to a heart attack. It was food poisoning from an 11yr old sausage


What's the difference between MJ and Alex Fergurson? Ferguson will still be playing Giggs in august.


Michael Jackson is dead. Kids around the world rejoice - except for Casper, who's crapping himself


Farrah Fawcett arrives at the pearly gates and Saint Peter grants her one wish, so she thinks for a minute and says "I wish all the children in the world to be safe". The next day Micheal Jackson dies from heart attack.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 06, 2009, 12:53:54 PM
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times. What we have is Blue Cross!"

 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 06, 2009, 01:25:08 PM
That's something my parents would've done on purpose  :wall:  :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 06, 2009, 02:08:00 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 06, 2009, 06:52:31 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 08, 2009, 05:35:56 PM
Now just take a look at the name of this restaurants...

(http://img55.imageshack.us/img55/4356/weirdrestaurantnames01.jpg) (http://img55.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames01.jpg/)

(http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/2283/weirdrestaurantnames02.jpg) (http://img5.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames02.jpg/)

(http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/1622/weirdrestaurantnames03.jpg) (http://img357.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames03.jpg/)

(http://img129.imageshack.us/img129/5451/weirdrestaurantnames04.jpg) (http://img129.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames04.jpg/)

(http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/8602/weirdrestaurantnames06.jpg) (http://img509.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames06.jpg/)

(http://img514.imageshack.us/img514/4049/weirdrestaurantnames08.jpg) (http://img514.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames08.jpg/)

(http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/8264/weirdrestaurantnames13.jpg) (http://img509.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames13.jpg/)

(http://img523.imageshack.us/img523/5112/weirdrestaurantnames21.jpg) (http://img523.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames21.jpg/)

(http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/6744/weirdrestaurantnames31.jpg) (http://img179.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames31.jpg/)

(http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/2610/weirdrestaurantnames32.jpg) (http://img504.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames32.jpg/)

(http://img268.imageshack.us/img268/4766/weirdrestaurantnames40.jpg) (http://img268.imageshack.us/i/weirdrestaurantnames40.jpg/)

From http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2009/07/weird-and-funny-restaurant-names.html



Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 08, 2009, 05:53:25 PM
 :doh: I ain't eatin at none of 'em..  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 08, 2009, 05:56:44 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 08, 2009, 08:26:10 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 08, 2009, 09:13:15 PM
You forgot a few...

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/you_named_it_what1.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/Sign8.jpg)

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 09, 2009, 07:15:02 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 10, 2009, 08:51:10 AM
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'... so here I am!"

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 10, 2009, 08:55:29 AM
:twisted:  hehehehehe...  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 10, 2009, 09:31:57 AM
 :rofl: :hoghappy: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 10, 2009, 09:38:47 PM
 :rofl: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 11, 2009, 01:23:31 AM
Extreme flying - jumbo landing in severe crosswind  :o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8-pA8lBGpI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8-pA8lBGpI)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 11, 2009, 01:47:29 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 11, 2009, 07:07:51 AM
 :hoghappy:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 11, 2009, 12:33:56 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 15, 2009, 10:07:45 AM
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicans who run it.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 15, 2009, 10:22:29 AM
Too true to be funny :wall:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 15, 2009, 11:41:12 PM
Alabama
    A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in  twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the  successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough  call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia
    The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about  paying  an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I  were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana
    A senior in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to  be in Louisiana. "When asked why, he replied, "He'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in  Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi
    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it  was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license  number."

North Carolina
    A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He  asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I  have a flat tire."
The passerby asked,  "But what's with the  flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
  A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
  The  Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the  ditch.
   The  Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
   "Yep," he  replied. "That's wy I a-dumpin' it cheer, cuz it  sez: 'Fine For Dumping  Garbage'."


Y'uns c'n say what you want 'bout the South,
But you ain't nary heerd of any-un retirin' and movin' North.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 16, 2009, 12:32:27 AM
Too true to be funny :wall:

Unfortunately politicians are a reflection of the people they represent..


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 16, 2009, 02:13:49 AM
Unfortunately politicians are a reflection of the people they represent..

No, just the ones that voted for them.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 16, 2009, 06:14:09 AM
Exactly. ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 16, 2009, 08:31:27 AM
Tennessee
  A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
I can even hear the accent  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 16, 2009, 06:52:37 PM
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On MJ's Death

....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. . ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....



Deep stuff, hey?
I nearly cried when he said, ". .. . . . .. .. . .. .. . . .... ...."


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 16, 2009, 08:17:02 PM
 :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 16, 2009, 08:34:23 PM
 :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 17, 2009, 06:31:00 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 17, 2009, 09:12:53 AM
 ;D


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 17, 2009, 06:31:47 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 20, 2009, 04:31:01 PM
The Daily Tribune

OBITUARIES

EBERT WALTERS

May 11, 2009

DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH
OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER, FROM WYOMING THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG
LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL
EVERY MORNING.

HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING. HE OUTLIVED
HIS WIFE IONA BY 32 YEARS, HE DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104. EBERT
LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT DEEP HOLE WHERE THE
CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 20, 2009, 04:39:52 PM
 :doh:  :hoghappy:  :rofl:  :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 20, 2009, 04:49:31 PM
This guy must have been a blast!  :lol:

Talk about going away in a blaze of glory...


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 20, 2009, 04:54:13 PM
Sounds like there's something smokey about it to me :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 20, 2009, 08:50:13 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 21, 2009, 06:58:45 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 21, 2009, 09:56:12 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 22, 2009, 09:48:03 PM
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 22, 2009, 10:17:59 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:
 :think:
 :walk:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 22, 2009, 11:37:02 PM
 :o :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 22, 2009, 11:56:10 PM
 :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 23, 2009, 06:55:58 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 23, 2009, 07:14:11 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 23, 2009, 08:03:50 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 23, 2009, 06:58:50 PM
Yesterday, a blonde had a flat tire on the highway and eased her car over to the side of the road. She carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.   She took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them up at the rear of her car facing the oncoming traffic.  They were very lifelike and they were both dressed in open trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.   The cars began to slow down at once and in no time at all, the traffic had come to a near stand still!  It wasn`t long before a State Trooper pulls up behind her, gets out of his car and walks up to the blonde woman. He was not very happy. "What`s going on here?!" the Trooper asks. "My car had a flat tire." she answers calmly.  "Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing in back of your car?"  inquired the State Trooper.  The blonde answered, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 23, 2009, 08:42:05 PM
 :doh:  :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 23, 2009, 08:48:13 PM
It had to be done :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 23, 2009, 09:35:27 PM
Mailed that one to my niece...  Yes she blond...

But she's in denial.......


Dyed her hair black...  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 23, 2009, 09:35:55 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 23, 2009, 09:44:01 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 23, 2009, 09:44:47 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 23, 2009, 10:07:36 PM
Mailed that one to my niece...  Yes she blond...

But she's in denial.......


Dyed her hair black...  :lol:

Artificial intelligence  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 24, 2009, 05:46:10 AM
 :rofl:  :rofl:  :hoghappy:  :doh:  :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 24, 2009, 06:58:18 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 24, 2009, 09:00:38 AM
Mailed that one to my niece...  Yes she blond...

But she's in denial.......


Dyed her hair black...  :lol:

Soooo ... Fing...

Blondness runs through your family???


 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 24, 2009, 09:49:15 AM
Not really...  Sis-in-law's kid.. Girl is actually pretty smart..  Must be a mail order baby cause her parents ain't..  :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 25, 2009, 12:36:38 AM
borrows joke from another site


Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on July 25, 2009, 12:50:59 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 25, 2009, 12:51:26 AM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 25, 2009, 06:20:03 AM
It stopped.  yay :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 25, 2009, 07:56:47 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 25, 2009, 08:04:56 AM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 25, 2009, 08:17:55 AM
 :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on July 25, 2009, 12:18:34 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 26, 2009, 07:24:25 PM
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels 'in love' with her. After a couple of weeks during which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his newfound lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... You need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see", John replied. "That's a problem, for sure."

He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 26, 2009, 08:38:37 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 26, 2009, 09:12:46 PM
 :thumb:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on July 26, 2009, 11:46:06 PM
Two weeks with a hooker, that bill musta had a lot of zeroes. :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 27, 2009, 04:27:30 AM
Dunno. Dad had an offer once for "five dolla"

Had Mom in stitches when he solemnly declined on the grounds he preferred his women with their teeth IN :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 27, 2009, 07:38:33 AM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 27, 2009, 05:05:39 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 31, 2009, 10:49:19 PM
I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was pretty much staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 01, 2009, 06:35:42 AM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 01, 2009, 07:41:29 AM
 :lol:  :rofl:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 01, 2009, 08:58:11 AM
 :doh: :walk:

 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 01, 2009, 11:58:58 AM
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of: first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'You might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.


 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 01, 2009, 12:21:40 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 01, 2009, 12:44:45 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 01, 2009, 04:16:25 PM
 ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 01, 2009, 05:07:17 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 02, 2009, 05:01:18 PM
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 02, 2009, 05:37:24 PM
 :o :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 02, 2009, 05:39:09 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 03, 2009, 07:11:39 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 04, 2009, 08:12:33 PM
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat...

' I do not have a headache.'
' I do not have a headache.'
' I do not have a headache.'

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that's wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He throws her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! That was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD!' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

'She's not my wife.'
'She's not my wife.'
'She's not my wife.'
'She's not my wife.'

His funeral service will be held this week.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 04, 2009, 08:25:32 PM
 :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 04, 2009, 10:21:08 PM
 :rofl:  :rofl:


 :think:

" His funeral service will be held this week. "

the hypnotist or the husband  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 04, 2009, 10:55:44 PM
Yes :twisted:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 05, 2009, 06:18:43 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 10, 2009, 12:33:13 AM
Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said: DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge Out?

 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 10, 2009, 05:56:02 AM
Ja! :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 10, 2009, 06:58:47 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 10, 2009, 02:41:21 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on August 14, 2009, 08:48:57 AM
 :lol: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 15, 2009, 04:55:52 AM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/FWOLDGUY.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/file000.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/file001.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/file002.jpg)






You have a DIRTY MIND!!!!

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 15, 2009, 06:50:25 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 15, 2009, 06:51:01 AM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 15, 2009, 06:59:42 AM
True dat :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 15, 2009, 07:02:41 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on August 16, 2009, 10:59:06 AM
Looks like Newt Gingrich. :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 16, 2009, 08:07:38 PM
My eyes! My eyes! :o  :wall:  :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 18, 2009, 09:13:50 PM
SO GLAD I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS!
The correct way to weigh yourself

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/Weighing.jpg)

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years. WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 18, 2009, 09:22:47 PM
 :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on August 18, 2009, 09:43:24 PM
The ladies here will be glad to see that. :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 18, 2009, 09:44:12 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 19, 2009, 06:56:31 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 19, 2009, 07:08:34 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 19, 2009, 02:48:04 PM
You guys are in trouble..  :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 19, 2009, 04:11:41 PM
Like thats anything new............ :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on August 19, 2009, 08:22:30 PM
Like thats anything new............ :rofl: :rofl:
That's practically standard procedure :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 20, 2009, 05:26:53 AM
As if we pay attention to much you say ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on August 20, 2009, 07:25:58 AM
You did answer, though :mrgreen:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 20, 2009, 09:03:42 AM
One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is.

"That's not something adults like to tell," her mother replies.

Then the little girl asks her mother how much she weighs.

"That's not something adults like to talk about," she replies.

"How come you and daddy got a divorce?" the little girl asks.

"We don't like to talk about that either, honey." she says, ending the conversation.

The next day the little girl asks a friend about why her mother wouldn't answer any of her questions.

The friend explains, ”It's an adult thing. Just look at her driver's license, it's like a report card for adult's. It will tell you everything you need to know."

So when she got home from school she went up to her mother and said, "Mommy, I know how old you are."

"How old?" her mother asked.

"47." The little girl said, ”I know how much you weigh."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Okay, why is that?" her mom said.

And the little girl replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 20, 2009, 10:11:56 AM
 :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 20, 2009, 11:45:58 AM
I'm just following the title of this thread... nothing more, nothing less.

 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 20, 2009, 01:15:24 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 20, 2009, 05:23:47 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on August 20, 2009, 08:44:49 PM
Smart girl. She figured out that the M her dad had in the "sex" field meant "master" :mrgreen:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 20, 2009, 09:31:44 PM
 :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 20, 2009, 09:42:36 PM
I'm channeling my mom's voice saying, "Moron" :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 20, 2009, 10:48:17 PM
  :rick::rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 20, 2009, 11:01:18 PM
I'm channeling my mom's voice saying, "Moron" :devil:

 :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on August 20, 2009, 11:14:59 PM
Come on, girls, you are just jealous of our natural expertise  :afro:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 20, 2009, 11:26:01 PM
expertise....right.... :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 21, 2009, 07:44:18 AM
I've noticed many of the things men excel at are either banned in public or illegal in some states. :hoghappy:  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 21, 2009, 08:38:23 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 21, 2009, 03:54:00 PM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural road. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate...
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: 

SLOW:   SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff  and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:     CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."

He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."   He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign..... it might be something that  WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,  and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.











                                                (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/Sign-1.jpg)




Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 21, 2009, 04:12:22 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 21, 2009, 04:41:41 PM
Smart people, those farmers :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 22, 2009, 12:42:22 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 22, 2009, 07:08:05 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 22, 2009, 09:54:24 AM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
 
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


 :guru:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 22, 2009, 11:07:44 AM
 :hoghappy:  :thumb:  :trink2:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 22, 2009, 12:36:34 PM
 :rofl: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on August 22, 2009, 05:13:08 PM
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
--
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just  lie there.
______
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar  exam?
__
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [spit]ting me?
___
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
______
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a  fight..
_
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I  finished.
______
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
___
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 22, 2009, 05:51:34 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
 
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


 :guru:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 22, 2009, 08:31:53 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 28, 2009, 06:25:00 PM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DONOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!




Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on August 28, 2009, 06:36:12 PM
 :o :)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 28, 2009, 09:58:22 PM
Yup :popcorn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 28, 2009, 10:06:23 PM
 :popcorn:  :popcorn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 28, 2009, 11:26:02 PM
 :o  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 29, 2009, 06:03:43 AM
 :think: :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 29, 2009, 12:24:26 PM
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.  It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
 
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighbourhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
 
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.



                                                     (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/Arrowsdown.gif)



(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/Funnies/Nuns.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 29, 2009, 12:41:54 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 29, 2009, 02:52:25 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 29, 2009, 11:37:02 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 30, 2009, 07:36:37 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 08, 2009, 06:34:05 PM
An Italian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Perth. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... 



(Please scroll down.)



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English! 


I worry about you sometimes!


 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 08, 2009, 08:33:45 PM
 :devil: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 08, 2009, 08:39:19 PM
 :lol:  :P


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on September 08, 2009, 10:09:28 PM
 :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 08, 2009, 10:37:54 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 09, 2009, 04:45:16 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 10, 2009, 10:16:28 AM
Why do we love children?

 1) NUDITY
 I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
 woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
 naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
 the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

 2) OPINIONS
 On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
 his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
 necessarily those of his parents.'

 3) KETCHUP
 A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
 struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
 the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
 hitting the bottle.'

 4) MORE NUDITY

 A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
 room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
 grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
 amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
 little boy before?'

 5) POLICE # 1
 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
 interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
 uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued
 writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
 police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,'
 she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my
 shoe?'

 6) POLICE # 2
 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
 station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
 and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
 there?' he asked.
 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards
 the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

 7) ELDERLY
 While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
 shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds..
 She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
 particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her
 staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
 for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

 8) DRESS-UP
 A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
 her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
 suit.'
 'And why not, darling?'
 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

 9) DEATH
 While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
 heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
 Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
 Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
 box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
 of the deceased.
 The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
 sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
 said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole
 he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

 10) SCHOOL
 A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
 wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
 and they won't let me talk!'

 11) BIBLE
 A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
 fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
 Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
 leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
 'What have you got there, dear?'
 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
 Adam's underwear!'


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 10, 2009, 10:32:22 AM
 :rofl:  :thumb:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 10, 2009, 03:22:39 PM
That's NOT Adam's underwear????


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 10, 2009, 07:15:11 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 11, 2009, 11:32:37 AM
What Were They Thinking?

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen?  Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist?  Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

 :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 11, 2009, 11:53:37 AM
 :lolol:  :guru:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on September 11, 2009, 04:48:16 PM
So THAT'S how GP got interested in pens. :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 11, 2009, 06:01:48 PM
 :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 11, 2009, 10:48:43 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 12, 2009, 03:44:33 PM

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

That does explain why I caught the azaleas raping the clover the other day  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 12, 2009, 03:45:22 PM
 :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 14, 2009, 08:25:34 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 16, 2009, 07:15:28 PM
A Compendium of 'Pun-tifications'
 
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was~resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?~~He's all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir~Cumference.

5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6. When fish are in school s they sometimes take debate.

7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a~hardened criminal.

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on~shaky ground.

13. The dead batteries were donated free of charge.

14. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

16. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

17. I didn't know where the sun went at night, so I stayed up thinking~about it until it dawned on me.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 16, 2009, 08:12:19 PM
 :doh: Definitely not OT.  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 16, 2009, 08:14:59 PM
 :eh: :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 16, 2009, 10:09:16 PM
I just copied these over and inflicted them on my poor ESL students.  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on September 16, 2009, 10:37:53 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 17, 2009, 08:01:36 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 17, 2009, 08:04:51 AM
I just copied these over and inflicted them on my poor ESL students.  :rofl:

THAT was funnier than the joke!

 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 17, 2009, 08:29:09 AM
You should hear our class. They wouldn't believe some of the bad puns out there in English until I read some aloud. People dropping out of their chairs they were laughing so hard.

I really love the students who've had so many foreign teachers that they're fluent in written English, but can't understand conversations because we're speaking American with American accents  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on September 19, 2009, 07:05:11 PM

Ingredients in Viagra
    Whats really in Viagra

I knew it...... I just knew it! I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

   
3% Vitamin E :D
       
 2% Aspirin :o
           
 2% Ibuprofen :o
               
 1% Vitamin C :D
                   
 5% Spray Starch :-\

Scroll down for the last 87%
















 



















 87% Fix-A-Flat ;D


I Knew that you wanted to know the real skinny. :guru:





Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 19, 2009, 07:53:35 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 19, 2009, 08:39:16 PM
 :eh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on September 20, 2009, 11:33:03 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on September 20, 2009, 12:05:12 PM
:eh:


(http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/1425/grilli.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 20, 2009, 12:09:55 PM
Sweet - I have to find the pic of one of those carts someone turned in to a full camping grill  :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 23, 2009, 08:10:04 PM
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."  So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What????  You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way.  I like having a engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 23, 2009, 09:56:19 PM
 :lol:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 24, 2009, 03:58:28 AM
(http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/2682/2lddiyd.png)
(http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/411/c89e001253274893467.png)
(http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/528/2rcllrt.jpg)

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 25, 2009, 11:16:52 AM
The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"  SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD?
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 25, 2009, 11:32:56 AM
Quote
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

didn't GP ask that same question last year?  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 25, 2009, 05:43:33 PM
I did. And never got a satisfactory answer either. :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 26, 2009, 05:43:37 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 26, 2009, 08:19:11 PM
 ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 26, 2009, 08:36:52 PM
Leave it to a woman to miss the joke in that pic eh DA?


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 26, 2009, 08:54:12 PM
:doh:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on September 26, 2009, 09:20:59 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 26, 2009, 09:49:20 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 27, 2009, 06:57:26 AM
PMS ain't no joke :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on September 27, 2009, 08:04:33 AM
PMS ain't no joke :hmm:


Take a fistful of Midol.  You'll be OK in a couple of years. :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 27, 2009, 01:15:26 PM
That's like handing aspirin to a terminal patient. :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on September 27, 2009, 02:35:56 PM
Least I could do. ;D


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 27, 2009, 03:11:21 PM
Where's my axe? :spider:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 27, 2009, 07:29:26 PM
Take a look at the male lion and you can see PMS is no joke..  :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 27, 2009, 09:47:26 PM
That male looks like a survivor. :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 29, 2009, 03:40:03 PM
And now, one after my own heart :devil:

Posted to Personals:
To the Black Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
 
I can only hope you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me a Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?
             
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone and wallet with me.
[That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us  again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of  the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
 
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue.

Remember, next time, you might not be so lucky.
 
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto....
       "An armed society makes for a more civil society."

  "The future ain't what it used to be"
          Yogi Berra


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 29, 2009, 04:01:06 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 29, 2009, 06:45:51 PM
 :rofl: :twisted: :twisted:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 29, 2009, 07:27:50 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: The way it should be..


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on September 29, 2009, 08:39:05 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

liked the part about calling your "momma"  :hoghappy: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 30, 2009, 06:56:37 AM
That appealed to me as well. May be far worse than the Feds. :twisted:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on October 02, 2009, 04:35:18 PM
I knew it all along... now, here's the proof!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cR_G6EjYRUo

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on October 02, 2009, 08:12:33 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 02, 2009, 08:30:40 PM
I think "somebody" best wear his wombat proof PJs to bed tonight.  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on October 03, 2009, 05:52:13 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on October 06, 2009, 09:27:45 PM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? 
If not, you're wondering now.   Have a nice day ..





   

 So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money!


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 06, 2009, 10:10:29 PM
 :think:  :guru:

Gets wallet....
[gross time] Snifsnif[/gross time]  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on October 06, 2009, 10:14:34 PM
 :think:

<opens wallet>

<gags on dust cloud>

<moth flies out>

<closes wallet>

 ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 06, 2009, 10:20:46 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on October 06, 2009, 11:10:41 PM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? 
If not, you're wondering now.   Have a nice day ..





   

 So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money!

Or lick your money and get stoned from the coke that on 75% of bills..  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 07, 2009, 04:44:47 AM
Smiles fondly remembering a certain male stripper of extraordinary dimensions. :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on October 07, 2009, 06:06:14 AM
Funny ... fat strippers don't usually make a lot of money.  :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 07, 2009, 08:26:46 AM
They do if they have a tripod stance :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on October 07, 2009, 05:54:21 PM
Knew a guy in high school we called "Tripod".  He was 6'8" tall at 17 y/o.  :think:




 :o


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 07, 2009, 06:37:26 PM
 :think:  :think:  :think:  :think:
Can you....nevermind :wall:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 07, 2009, 07:28:44 PM
Yup! I can nevermind all day..  :P  :beach:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on October 07, 2009, 08:24:05 PM
:think:  :think:  :think:  :think:
Can you....nevermind :wall:

Well he is "single" these days (widower) and runs his own business.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 08, 2009, 06:24:01 AM
Hmm. Goes into the "if Catnip falls thru" pile. :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on October 08, 2009, 06:27:45 AM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!




You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 08, 2009, 07:29:36 AM
 :doh:  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 08, 2009, 09:45:04 AM
Sounds like the stupidvisor I used to have :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on October 08, 2009, 05:03:27 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on October 13, 2009, 03:18:53 PM
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 13, 2009, 03:23:04 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 13, 2009, 03:36:17 PM
So true it ain't funny :wall:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on October 13, 2009, 07:44:57 PM

 
Subject: The Perfect Parrot...Old Joke!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It
doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot.'   'Holy crap,' the guy  replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird.'   'Oh yeah?' the guy
asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?' 'Well,'
the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since
you asked, I  wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little
hook. You can't  see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.   'You really can understand and speak English can't
you?'   'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You
reallyought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
 
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.   'Sorry, but I just can't afford
that.'
 
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot,   'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!'   The guy offers $20
and walks out with the parrot.   Weeks go by. The
parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.  The guy is
delighted .
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not,  but it's about your
 wife and the UPS man..'
 
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife
greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously..
 
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and
 lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he
continued taking off the nightie, got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over.....'
Then the frantic guy demands,
 
'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I
got a hard-on and fell off my perch!' *
 
If this doesn't make you
laugh, you're having a really bad
day*


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 14, 2009, 08:05:35 AM
Bad day here
Sigh ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on October 14, 2009, 02:59:29 PM
Sorry  :-* hope it helps a little.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 14, 2009, 03:33:33 PM
Yep. Shoulder hurting like  :wall: from PT yesterday, new fountain pen came broken in the mail, so have to send it back, didn't sleep much last night from said shoulder, and haven't written a word all day  :doh:  :ugh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on October 17, 2009, 09:33:28 AM
A blonde pushes her BMW into a garage. She tells the mechanic it died.   

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.   

She says, 'What's the story?'   

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'   

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'   

   

SPEEDING TICKET   

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'   

   

RIVER WALK 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'   

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You  ARE on the other side.'   

   

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE 
 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.   

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'   

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.   

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?   

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'   

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'   

   

KNITTING 

A highway policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorwayway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!   

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'   

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'   

   

BLONDE ON THE SUN   

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day... The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'   

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'   

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'   

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'   

     

IN A VACUUM   

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'   

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'   

     

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!   

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'   

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond.  'They're watch dogs!'


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 17, 2009, 09:55:48 AM
 :yawn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 17, 2009, 10:06:38 AM
 :doh:  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on October 17, 2009, 11:50:53 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on October 17, 2009, 10:03:37 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on October 18, 2009, 01:12:22 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on November 12, 2009, 07:29:39 AM
Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1 ) Argued over nothing.
2 ) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3 ) Gained weight.
4 ) Talked excessively without making sense.
5 ) Became overly emotional
6 ) Couldn't drive.
7 ) Failed to think rationally.
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on November 12, 2009, 08:02:53 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on November 12, 2009, 08:25:27 AM
 ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 12, 2009, 04:59:54 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 12, 2009, 08:07:27 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:
 :think: :whistle:

that it ....I quit.... never again


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on November 12, 2009, 09:35:07 PM
Got witnesses here.  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on November 15, 2009, 02:47:34 PM
    Guts vs Balls

    There is a medical distinction.

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. :think:


    Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.  :guru:


    Both result in death. :o :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 16, 2009, 06:59:01 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on November 16, 2009, 09:22:05 AM
I'd show that to my wife but don't think she'd be amused. :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 16, 2009, 11:52:59 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 16, 2009, 05:51:29 PM
I'd show that to my wife but don't think she'd be amused. :yap:

 :chkn: :chkn: :chkn: :chkn: :chkn:
says the guy not married  :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on November 16, 2009, 07:37:26 PM
I showed it to her anyway and got THE LOOK I fully expected. :walk:


Then she suggested I send it to our daughter in Arkansas. :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on November 17, 2009, 07:25:09 PM
sounds familiar enough... :lol:


(http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/6866/phd111309s.gif)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on November 17, 2009, 07:27:30 PM
 :rofl:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 17, 2009, 08:10:00 PM
are you speaking with the voice of experience  :rofl: :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 17, 2009, 08:11:16 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on November 17, 2009, 08:16:20 PM
are you speaking with the voice of experience  :rofl: :rick:

how's it go gp?  i can neither confirm nor deny... :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 18, 2009, 06:25:27 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on November 18, 2009, 06:42:30 AM
how's it go gp?  i can neither confirm nor deny... :rofl:
I'm so proud! <sniff> ;D


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on November 18, 2009, 08:33:13 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on November 18, 2009, 08:44:19 AM
 :think: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 18, 2009, 06:14:49 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 18, 2009, 08:31:28 PM
 ::) :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on November 25, 2009, 08:44:11 AM
 :noevil:


(http://forum.thedczone.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=2283.0;attach=653;image)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 25, 2009, 08:50:10 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: Ain't that the truth


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on November 25, 2009, 09:11:00 AM
 :lolol:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 25, 2009, 01:21:00 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on November 25, 2009, 03:02:39 PM
Where'd you get my old office wiring diagram? :spider:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 25, 2009, 04:09:16 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:

must send this to several people  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on December 02, 2009, 03:02:23 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.  She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.  He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.  "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up.  "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do." she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words are not coming easily.  "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on December 02, 2009, 09:36:38 PM
  :doh::rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on December 02, 2009, 10:42:11 PM
Told this one to the wife.  Really had her until the punchline when her mouth dropped open and the look on her face was priceless. :rofl:  :hoghappy:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on December 03, 2009, 08:37:42 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 03, 2009, 11:38:41 PM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 08, 2009, 06:54:16 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on December 08, 2009, 07:39:58 AM
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson'sbirthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. Shesays, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on thecounter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, hercredit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34..50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50
 :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 08, 2009, 07:48:24 AM
 :lol:  :lolol:  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 08, 2009, 10:35:26 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 08, 2009, 10:43:45 AM
Funniest part about that is.   I bet she paid the extra instead of admitting she farted..  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on December 08, 2009, 10:48:24 AM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on December 10, 2009, 10:43:39 PM
The RAF was having a ceremony to commemorate an anniversary from the War. To offer more perspective, they searched for a surviving veteran and found Johann Swenson, a Dutch fighter pilot who distinguished himself by shooting down 29 German fighter planes. They invited Mr. Swenson to speak at the ceremony.

The Master of Ceremonies introduced Mr. Swenson and highlighted how his achievements helped turn the tide and help win the War against the Germans. He then asked Mr. Swenson to say a few words about some of his experiences as a fighter pilot.

Mr. Swenson described the day:

"It vas a crisp morning, and I vas on patrol... ven all of a sudden, I noticed I had vun of dem Fokkers on my tail. I flew to de left, den flew to de right, and even vent up and down. No matter how hard I tried to shake him, he vas still there."

The Master of Ceremonies interrupted Mr. Swenson by saying, "I think I need to point out that a 'Fokker' is a German fighter plane. Please continue, Mr. Swenson."

Mr. Swenson went on, "Ja - dis is true... but dis Fokker vas flying a Messerschmitt!"

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 10, 2009, 10:52:31 PM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on December 11, 2009, 08:50:10 AM
 :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on December 11, 2009, 02:18:57 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 11, 2009, 09:15:56 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on December 13, 2009, 01:42:23 AM
Funniest part about that is.   I bet she paid the extra instead of admitting she farted..  :rofl:
And the blind man knew it, and thought she shouldn't have eaten chilli beans :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 13, 2009, 07:45:04 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 13, 2009, 09:05:44 AM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 13, 2009, 01:31:10 PM
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON
YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.


WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT,  "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED
CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.


"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on December 13, 2009, 01:53:01 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on December 13, 2009, 02:04:05 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on December 13, 2009, 02:04:16 PM
 :o :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Hanski on December 13, 2009, 02:18:28 PM
 :o :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on December 13, 2009, 02:19:53 PM
 :wall:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on December 13, 2009, 09:14:57 PM
Funny, fing, but that joke is older than my mother. :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on December 13, 2009, 09:46:37 PM
Didn't know they told dirty jokes on the Mayflower..  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on December 13, 2009, 09:47:50 PM
Didn't know they told dirty jokes on the Mayflower..  :rofl:

 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on December 13, 2009, 10:31:45 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: john galbraith on December 13, 2009, 11:26:00 PM
Didn't know they told dirty jokes on the Mayflower..  :rofl:

Not the Mayflower.  She was the cook on the Santa Maria and the reason the crew almost mutinied. :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 14, 2009, 07:32:08 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on December 14, 2009, 10:58:18 AM
 :hamtaro:  :hamtaro:  :hamtaro:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on December 14, 2009, 02:26:48 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on January 07, 2010, 08:37:54 PM
Stolen from Moose over at BBF:

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
But despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by
that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy
and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down
coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best
milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen,
he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a
gonna get him!"

"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!

"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen
house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that
double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."

"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound
dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then,
as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in
Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin""


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on January 07, 2010, 08:55:47 PM
 :rofl:  :hoghappy:  :rofl:  :hoghappy:  :rofl:  :hoghappy:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on January 07, 2010, 09:00:40 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on January 07, 2010, 09:46:53 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on January 07, 2010, 10:33:02 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on January 08, 2010, 06:31:21 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on January 10, 2010, 07:27:29 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on January 13, 2010, 09:01:45 PM
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'


 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on January 13, 2010, 09:03:05 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on January 13, 2010, 09:42:29 PM
 :o :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on January 13, 2010, 10:46:11 PM
He better not like the Last Tango in Paris :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on January 13, 2010, 11:06:10 PM
 :think: :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on January 15, 2010, 06:51:51 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on January 24, 2010, 02:39:03 PM
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"


Roy replied: "Wrong room.."


 :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 24, 2010, 03:10:52 PM
 :yawn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on January 24, 2010, 03:52:58 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on January 24, 2010, 07:49:13 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on January 25, 2010, 08:18:17 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on January 27, 2010, 10:39:01 PM
Ole and Clarence Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.
Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!" Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across the river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on dat dere bridge dat says 'Clarence is 13 ft. 6 In.' "
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on January 27, 2010, 10:44:48 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on January 27, 2010, 10:51:30 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on January 27, 2010, 11:13:10 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on January 27, 2010, 11:47:29 PM
stupid jokes...in one word.... iPad.... :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on January 28, 2010, 01:32:59 AM
 :whistle:



Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on January 28, 2010, 07:43:19 AM
 :lol: iPad=iTouch on steroids. Itouch aint nothing cept an iPhone wifout the phone bits in it.

Sister owns an iTouch. Cool gadget, but IMHO that's all it is... A gadget.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 28, 2010, 09:53:10 AM
 :yawn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on January 28, 2010, 09:59:41 AM
:yawn:

You're starting to sound like pinky.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on January 28, 2010, 04:52:17 PM
You're starting to sound like pinky.

 :o :walk:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 28, 2010, 06:05:54 PM
 :angel3:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on January 28, 2010, 09:02:22 PM
You're starting to sound like pinky.

 :yawn:  :yawn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on February 10, 2010, 09:15:26 PM
Cough Syrup..........

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily Against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

The pharmacist yells:
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds,
"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

 :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on February 10, 2010, 09:40:47 PM
 :o  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on February 10, 2010, 09:49:39 PM
 :doh:



makes me feel better about my trip to the pharmacy today. :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on February 10, 2010, 10:29:53 PM
 :think: and what is the rest of the story  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on February 10, 2010, 10:52:20 PM
"oops, this contains meth-making drugs, we need your id"....  not only did they card me, but they had to record each bit of info on my id. :?  at least i didn't walk out with laxative. :lol:



edit: bad side-effect of what i did walk out with...sleeplessness... :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on February 11, 2010, 10:49:59 PM
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson.  I  studied hard and got good grades. 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the   ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, just laughing.  :guru: :guru: :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on February 12, 2010, 06:13:55 AM
Sigh... ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on February 12, 2010, 07:12:03 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on February 12, 2010, 07:33:33 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on February 12, 2010, 04:47:50 PM
 :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on February 12, 2010, 06:22:56 PM
 :doh:   :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 07, 2010, 09:42:31 AM
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on March 07, 2010, 10:36:20 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 07, 2010, 12:07:21 PM
 :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 07, 2010, 02:14:13 PM
 :wall:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 08, 2010, 01:57:17 AM
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you d/ickhead."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "F--- him, he's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 08, 2010, 08:58:19 AM
Ah, the sweet innocence of childhood... :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 08, 2010, 09:01:22 AM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 10, 2010, 01:01:52 PM
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand
new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong
to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.

A blond standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I
had tennis elbow once."


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 10, 2010, 02:16:22 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on March 10, 2010, 04:29:05 PM
                     LIFE




Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts..
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap..



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree..
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . ..having friends.
At age 17 success is . .   having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . ..having money.
At age 70 success is . ... having a drivers license..
At age 75 success is . . ..having friends.
At age 80 success is . . ..not piddling in your pants.



Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh..

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.


Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*


Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Dance naked.. woo-hoo!  :yap: :-*


Yea I know, Sujo gohome!!!!!


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 15, 2010, 12:33:03 AM
This amused me.  I hate almost all politicians equally, just for the record.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken,
the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that
bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but
could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if
nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see
this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done
buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying
he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 15, 2010, 01:02:02 AM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on March 15, 2010, 06:48:28 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 15, 2010, 07:29:08 AM
 :devil:  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on March 15, 2010, 08:21:11 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Thanks DA i needed that..


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on March 16, 2010, 05:38:55 PM
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had
sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on March 16, 2010, 10:21:53 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 16, 2010, 11:48:43 PM
Unix sex:

co /dev/pub/pint > /dev/girl
mv /dev/girl /dev/house
mount /dev/girl
touch
unzip
finger
fsck
yes
yes
yes
umount girl
zip
sleep


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 17, 2010, 02:07:46 AM
 :o


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 17, 2010, 08:08:40 AM
That explains a lot  :think:  :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 18, 2010, 05:22:00 AM
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face..

I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!'


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 18, 2010, 05:23:06 AM
That explains a lot  :think:  :hmm:

The original author forgot something:

reboot
whois


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 18, 2010, 07:06:08 AM
 :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on March 18, 2010, 01:53:47 PM
The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.



At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go pick her up."
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 18, 2010, 01:57:40 PM
 :hoghappy:  :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on March 18, 2010, 10:37:18 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 19, 2010, 05:48:27 PM
 :rofl: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on March 19, 2010, 06:06:15 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on April 08, 2010, 10:34:28 PM
DO NOT CHEAT


BE SURE AND DO THE MATH BEFORE LOOKING AT THE LIST OF MOVIES.





 Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.





1.. Pick a number from 1-9.


2. Multiply by 3.


3. Add 3.


4.. Multiply by 3 again.


5.. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.





Mine was "JAWS" - Always loved a good thriller! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works






































  Now look up your number in the list below...







1.      Gone With the Wind


2.  E.T.


3.  Beverly Hills Cop


4. Star Wars


5. Forrest Gump


6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly


 7. Jaws


 8. Grease


 9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat


10. Casablanca

 

11.  Jurassic Park


12. Shrek

 

13. Pirates of the  Caribbean


14. Titanic


15. Raiders Of The Lost  Ark


16. Home Alone


17. Mrs. Doubtfire


18. Toy Story
 :hmm:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 08, 2010, 10:46:39 PM
ROFLMAO!!!!!  Wonder how long it took 'em to figure that one out.   :lolol:  :rofl:  :doh:  :rofl:  :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 08, 2010, 11:35:11 PM
  :think: :rofl: :rofl: That should be sheep..  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 09, 2010, 12:09:08 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on April 09, 2010, 06:38:45 AM
That was bad.   :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 09, 2010, 06:47:52 AM
  :think: :rofl: :rofl: That should be sheep..  :rofl:
:o  Never thought about goats .............  :think:





 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on April 09, 2010, 08:02:33 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on April 09, 2010, 10:39:02 AM
 :rofl:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v163/sensai1/friend_of_yours.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 09, 2010, 12:01:55 PM
 :o :doh: :think: ........... :walk: :fing1:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on April 09, 2010, 02:51:18 PM
 :fing1:  :fing2:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on April 13, 2010, 11:02:28 AM
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.
     The first  little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."

 

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
   The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
   The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out....."Hark! ....a shistol pot,....a pot of [spit], ....a postle shiss,... horse [spit],

"This is bull [spit]. I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."

 

The audience left howling.
 ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 13, 2010, 11:18:23 AM
 :noevil:  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 13, 2010, 08:16:23 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Sounds like me..


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on April 13, 2010, 09:09:18 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 13, 2010, 10:29:02 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on April 14, 2010, 10:41:08 AM
 ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 14, 2010, 03:58:21 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on April 14, 2010, 08:43:43 PM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 14, 2010, 09:15:40 PM
 :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 14, 2010, 10:44:04 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 14, 2010, 10:46:47 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 15, 2010, 08:14:40 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on April 19, 2010, 08:08:42 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES   

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.  REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.  THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.  IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.  IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on April 19, 2010, 08:21:26 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 19, 2010, 09:04:42 PM
 :think: Actually, I HAVE corrected more than one electrical problem with the proper strike from a hammer..


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on April 19, 2010, 09:07:14 PM
Operator adjustment often does work wonders  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 19, 2010, 09:09:13 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:
 :think:
#4 remember to set the mouse trap  :guru:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 19, 2010, 10:29:51 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 20, 2010, 06:56:40 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 20, 2010, 02:57:26 PM
How to spot a gay terrorist.



Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on April 20, 2010, 05:53:19 PM
Omar's gettin' his groove  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on April 20, 2010, 08:19:00 PM
Don't invade his lands or he'll blow you ... up ... yeah that's it, blow you UP.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on April 21, 2010, 09:52:38 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on April 21, 2010, 10:10:14 AM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v163/sensai1/14.gif)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 21, 2010, 10:19:26 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 21, 2010, 08:34:12 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on April 22, 2010, 12:56:56 AM
A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one
day, When a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.  After
following Along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there, do you
want to go  for a ride?
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "I will give you
$10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries
 down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "I'm
 feeling generous today!  I'll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of
candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride
with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out:
"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley!
So ride it by yourself!"


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 22, 2010, 08:14:46 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 22, 2010, 08:34:01 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 23, 2010, 06:44:28 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on April 28, 2010, 02:19:24 PM
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’"
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 28, 2010, 03:30:46 PM
Take 4.   Oh so true..  :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on April 28, 2010, 04:19:06 PM
What's the difference between a chemist, a biologist and an engineer?

A chemist washes their hands before they go to the toilet
A biologist washes their hands after they go to the toilet
An engineer can't see the point.  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on April 28, 2010, 04:29:31 PM
Now THAT'S funny! :lolol:  :lolol:  :lolol:

[Spot the woman who worked with a LOT of engineers?] :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 28, 2010, 06:05:31 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 28, 2010, 06:40:36 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 28, 2010, 10:22:58 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Hanski on April 30, 2010, 03:16:20 PM
 :rofl:
It's funny. I understand engineer jokes and I AM an engineer. What's wrong me or jokes? :hoghappy: :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 30, 2010, 04:39:19 PM
 :think:  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on April 30, 2010, 09:42:10 PM
Yes!  :rofl:  :hoghappy:  :whistle:  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on April 30, 2010, 09:48:50 PM
:think:  ???

I don't get the engineer bit.   :donkong:   :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 30, 2010, 09:59:18 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on April 30, 2010, 10:01:11 PM
 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on April 30, 2010, 10:06:34 PM
It's ok, Patty ... you're allowed to be blonde on the inside.  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on April 30, 2010, 10:07:25 PM
Well I must be cause I've read it several times and I understand till I get to the engineer part.   :rofl:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 30, 2010, 10:21:10 PM
Well I must be cause I've read it several times and I understand till I get to the engineer part.   :rofl:  :doh:

 You don't have to understand - that's what you have engineers for :P


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on April 30, 2010, 10:22:07 PM
[email protected]  :hoghappy: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 30, 2010, 10:23:17 PM
 :-*


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on April 30, 2010, 10:24:20 PM
 :lol: :love:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 30, 2010, 10:50:02 PM
You don't have to understand - that what you have engineers for :P

[email protected]  :hoghappy: :rofl:


 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 30, 2010, 11:07:03 PM
 ;D  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 01, 2010, 06:10:21 AM
Nobody understands engineers. That's why they had people like me to translate engineering into reports  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on May 01, 2010, 06:25:16 AM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 01, 2010, 08:37:01 AM
Nobody understands engineers. That's why they had people like me to translate engineering into reports  :rofl:

I speak enjunear!  Real good I done speek enjunear!  :guru:

Had to deal with so many  :brick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on May 01, 2010, 08:40:40 AM
Nobody understands engineers. That's why they had people like me to translate engineering into reports  :rofl:

That's why your one of the blessed........


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on May 06, 2010, 10:57:40 PM
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on May 07, 2010, 01:32:22 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 07, 2010, 06:24:32 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on May 17, 2010, 08:01:42 AM
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
 As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.   So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.     
 Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. 
       
 All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.   Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
     
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
     
God bless   America !
     






     





 


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on May 17, 2010, 08:42:36 AM

(sung to the tune of "God Bless America " or "America The Beautiful" )

 :fridaynite: :fridaynite: :fridaynite: :fridaynite: :fridaynite: :fridaynite: :fridaynite:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on May 17, 2010, 10:45:24 AM
Looks like jan got 7 beers out of his 6-pack.  :thumb: :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on May 17, 2010, 11:22:01 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on May 17, 2010, 11:50:50 AM
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/circuit_diagram.png)


 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on May 17, 2010, 12:02:13 PM
Might actually work Rick...
 :guru:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on May 17, 2010, 12:02:35 PM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 17, 2010, 12:03:18 PM
Except for the touch tongue here circuit.  :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on May 17, 2010, 12:09:26 PM
No comment.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on May 17, 2010, 12:21:50 PM
 :think: I think I built that back in high school.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 17, 2010, 03:51:39 PM
I think I kept it running at a flour mill for almost six years  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on May 17, 2010, 06:03:24 PM
 :think: I will take two of them  :thumb:

send me your account information and I will transfer the money tonight  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on May 17, 2010, 07:35:38 PM
"Not a resistor wire just does this"

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Couldn't find any yarn..


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on May 18, 2010, 07:30:09 AM
I followed Rick's schematic EXACTLY, and got this.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v163/sensai1/electric_sheep.jpg)

 :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 18, 2010, 08:01:20 AM
 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on May 18, 2010, 08:53:14 AM
 :o :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on May 18, 2010, 09:14:53 AM
 :lol:  :rofl:  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 18, 2010, 04:20:07 PM
Looks like something an android would dream of.  :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on May 18, 2010, 04:40:42 PM
 :owl:

Do you like our owl?


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 20, 2010, 04:02:58 AM
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Lincolnshire. He shot and dropped a bird,
but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and
it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer Peter replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over
here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers
in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you
don't know how we settle disputes in Lincolnshire. We settle small disagreements
like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the
'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well,
because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times
and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives
up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel
toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent
him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his
face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.' 
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on May 20, 2010, 06:22:21 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on May 20, 2010, 10:09:59 AM
 :rofl:  :lol:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 20, 2010, 12:06:55 PM
Wish I could do this to numbnutz behind  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 20, 2010, 06:05:07 PM
Wish I could do this to numbnutz behind  :whistle:

Nahhhhh ... you just want an efficient way to get his yard mowed.



Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 20, 2010, 06:21:37 PM
That'd do 'er  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 20, 2010, 06:34:11 PM
I've been tempted to build a little one, just for [spit]s and giggles, but I'm concerned the authorities wouldn't share my amusement. :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on May 20, 2010, 09:31:38 PM
 :think:  :whistle: well then don't set it off in your backyard :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 20, 2010, 10:11:07 PM
Ok ... I'll set it off in the neighbor's yard  :guru:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 20, 2010, 10:28:58 PM
Better yet, set it off in MY neighbor's yard.  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 21, 2010, 12:26:30 AM
 :think: I'm gonna need more powdered aluminium.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 21, 2010, 06:21:40 AM
I'll help run the grinder... :thumb:  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on June 12, 2010, 06:13:21 PM
The 11 Funniest Unintentionally-Sexual Signs Of All Time

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/07/the-funniest-unintentiona_n_602700.html#s97102

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on June 12, 2010, 07:40:47 PM
If they think those are the funniest, they need to get out more  ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on July 28, 2010, 08:36:13 AM
Ok.... It's been over a month since I posted here...

Native Indian Names

A little Native Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.  Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.  For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.  Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse that gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.  It's very simple and easy to understand.  Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 28, 2010, 08:38:07 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 28, 2010, 08:46:30 PM
Geek Yo Mama Jokes.............


Yo mama's so fat that a recursive function computing her weight causes a stack overflow. ..................... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Yo mama's so fat that IEEE is working on a wifi protocol so people can get the signals to reach users on opposite sides of her. It's called 802.11 Draft Fat Mama ............   :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 28, 2010, 10:16:26 PM
 :rofl:  :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 28, 2010, 11:25:05 PM
Geek Yo Mama Jokes.............


Yo mama's so fat that a recursive function computing her weight causes a stack overflow. ..................... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Yo mama's so fat that IEEE is working on a wifi protocol so people can get the signals to reach users on opposite sides of her. It's called 802.11 Draft Fat Mama ............   :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 :rofl:
How about so astrophysics ones:

Yo mama's so fat SHE ate a quantum singularity

Yo mama's so fat she pulls other people's mamas into orbit around her

Yo mama's so fat she makes her own helium

Yo mam's so fat she has FMPS (Fat Mama Positioning System) satellites in Fat-Mama-synchronous orbit around her



Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 29, 2010, 07:07:38 AM
 :walk:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 29, 2010, 10:52:05 AM
Yo mamma is so fat... hey... wait a moment... what's that black thing... Yo mamma?... Why are we being dragged towards her?... Heeeeeel....


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on August 12, 2010, 07:09:58 AM
Here's one.

How many crunchers does it take to get GP's printer working?

 ??? :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 12, 2010, 08:41:11 AM
:noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 12, 2010, 09:11:56 AM
Probably don't have enough to answer that question  :ugh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Johnny Cool on August 13, 2010, 12:02:06 PM
:noevil:

 :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 13, 2010, 04:34:41 PM
it doesn't say "edited by", yet it was posted by jc :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 13, 2010, 05:30:35 PM
 :fing:  :whistle:

its starting


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 14, 2010, 07:29:30 AM
it doesn't say "edited by", yet it was posted by jc :think:
:o


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on August 19, 2010, 07:11:32 AM
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!




erm....not you, rick....there was another post here a moment ago....no, really.......

 ???

 :wheel:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 19, 2010, 07:15:30 AM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 23, 2010, 10:33:17 PM
Betcha can't hit the apple...

http://crass.on.ru/flash/aaa-1.html

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 23, 2010, 10:39:10 PM
Got it once with the crossbow...  (Right before I shot him in the arm) :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 25, 2010, 06:48:13 AM
Same here -  :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 25, 2010, 07:49:16 AM
was able to get it once with each of them....i think the second trys are all rigged to not work... :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 25, 2010, 11:52:54 AM
Broke his beer bottle with the .357 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on August 25, 2010, 12:02:08 PM
took out a plane and car with the rocket launcher  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 28, 2010, 08:29:42 AM
Arthur is 90 years old.  He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.  "That's it", he tells his wife.  "I'm giving up golf.  My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.  As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur.  "Your brother is a hundred and three.  He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.  He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.  He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law.  "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 28, 2010, 09:40:03 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 28, 2010, 07:03:15 PM
  :rick: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 29, 2010, 07:59:42 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 30, 2010, 10:06:53 PM
    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family
or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late
and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight.
    There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play.


    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

    When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


    Apparently I'm still lost....
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on August 30, 2010, 10:49:20 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 31, 2010, 03:07:30 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 03, 2010, 06:42:22 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 03, 2010, 08:13:33 AM
 :popcorn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 07, 2010, 05:55:40 PM
ROFLMAO!!


Too funny (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScvG0r6Z2Ac&feature=player_embedded)




Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 07, 2010, 06:03:45 PM
Kind of stupid [spit] my ex used to pull  ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on September 07, 2010, 06:59:15 PM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 07, 2010, 08:56:48 PM
MUahahahahahahaha!  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 13, 2010, 08:06:04 PM
Got this one from a Navy buddy... :rofl:  :doh:  :hoghappy:  I think he left out the topless bar with "Lady's Night" every Thursday night and wet T-shirt contests on Fridays. :gp:



I'm all for tolerance.  Yes, indeed!

I am appalled that so many of my friends are against the mosque near Ground Zero.  We should allow it in order to promote tolerance. 

I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance in the mosque.  We could call them "The Turban Cowboy "and "You Mecca Me Hot". 

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with pork ribs and across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret.”   And next door in flashing lights open an Adult Toy Shop.  I think for the purpose of tolerance we should build accordingly around the Mosque. 

GOD BLESS AMERICA
 
 
 


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 13, 2010, 08:21:14 PM
 :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 13, 2010, 08:22:42 PM
I think that would be FAR more effective than threatening to burn copies of the Qur'an.  :devil:

(seriously, someone shut that redneck up, he's making everybody look bad!  :doh: )


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 13, 2010, 09:07:09 PM
I think that would be FAR more effective than threatening to burn copies of the Qur'an.  :devil:

(seriously, someone shut that redneck up, he's making everybody look bad!  :doh: )

USA: Freedom of speech even when it is stupid.  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 14, 2010, 07:25:09 AM
I think that would be FAR more effective than threatening to burn copies of the Qur'an.  :devil:

(seriously, someone shut that redneck up, he's making everybody look bad!  :doh: )
\

Agreed


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 14, 2010, 07:50:33 AM
We sent him to New York. If they can't mobilize a mugger or two...


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on September 14, 2010, 05:01:06 PM
Surprisingly the idiot has had a few death threats.   :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 14, 2010, 05:20:49 PM
 :o NO! Really?

 ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: phicks on September 14, 2010, 06:07:58 PM
 :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 14, 2010, 06:34:36 PM
What's really spooky is that the Pakistani Embassy [our supposed allies] is sending out letters in Farsi via email to the Iranian students at U of F  ON BEHALF OF THE GOVERNMENT OF IRAN asking they forward the emails of their non-Iranian friends to them so they can send any interested students copies of the Quran. Makes me feel really secure in our choice of allies. Nice to know we're following our usual pattern of handing out money to folks with our best interests so close to their hearts.  :spider:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 14, 2010, 07:03:05 PM
Well I don't have any Iranian friends at this point. but if I did and they forwarded my email to a foreign government like that ...  >:(


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 15, 2010, 07:26:51 AM
Page created in 1.155 seconds with 23 queries

I asked my buddy if he wanted the emails for some military IT specialists in assorted countries who would be amused.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 15, 2010, 04:30:48 PM
Page created in 1.155 seconds with 23 queries

I asked my buddy if he wanted the emails for some military IT specialists in assorted countries who would be amused.

"amused"  :rofl:
That's one way to describe "military nerd rage" I suppose.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 16, 2010, 07:05:49 AM
Whats wrong with military nerd rage  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 16, 2010, 07:14:52 AM
It's the stealthiest devastation there is. And sometimes we use it against the enemy, too.l  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 16, 2010, 07:27:33 AM
Whats wrong with military nerd rage  ???

So long as you're not on the receiving end, nothing!  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 17, 2010, 02:00:13 PM
Eight Words with two Meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 17, 2010, 03:57:45 PM
At my place it's:

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 2 minutes.
Male... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 18, 2010, 12:28:09 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 21, 2010, 12:20:33 AM
 :doh:  :rofl:
(http://media.wsbt.com/images/billboard_public_schools.jpg)
Story: Billboard spelling error creates embarrassment (http://www.wsbt.com/news/local/Billboard-Spelling-Error-Creates-Embarrassment-103312449.html)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 21, 2010, 12:27:07 AM
Ironically not that inaccurate  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 21, 2010, 07:41:58 AM
If you'd ever edited the writing of so-called English teachers, you'd know that was actually pretty good  :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on September 21, 2010, 07:51:25 AM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 21, 2010, 04:40:37 PM
If you'd ever edited the writing of so-called English teachers, you'd know that was actually pretty good  :donkong:

I was the one, not in a higher class mind you, that regularly informed my English teacher that a given sentence could have multiple meanings depending on which parts you put the emphasis on.  She contradicted me at every opportunity.   :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 21, 2010, 05:50:39 PM
I know the drill. The headmaster at my school had to swap me out of a history teacher's class after that personage threatened to fail me within hearing of the head and my dad  for correcting his dates. Fancy a history teacher not knowing 1066! :doh:  :wall:  :donkong:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 21, 2010, 06:55:45 PM
My kids (three so far) all had one science teacher who, when asked to explain something that wasn't well covered in the text book, just re-read the text out loud in class.  When the kids said they still didn't get it, he DID IT AGAIN.  :yap:

This one I got grilled by the administration for his incompetence.  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on September 29, 2010, 11:45:26 AM

http://www.dilmaza.com/intro/

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on October 07, 2010, 11:11:08 AM
I was recently in  Vancouver  and decided to learn the Chinese language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.
My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.
Yep, by the time you read this, You too will be able to understand the 1st line.

 

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... (first line)

This is a hoot .... Sad, because it is TRUE ..... But a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND


In order to continue getting-by in  Canada  (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following  conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old  Canada  today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "  Rye  . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ....  Rye  ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!
 :whistle:
 
 


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on October 07, 2010, 11:31:24 AM
 :o I live near Austin TX and I can safely say I understood every word of the conversation. :doh: :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on October 07, 2010, 11:33:23 AM
 :o


 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 07, 2010, 11:50:33 AM
:o I can safely say I understood every word of the conversation. :doh: :doh:

You and me both Sujo..   :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on October 07, 2010, 01:54:08 PM
It's all greek to me..  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 07, 2010, 05:32:09 PM
Farsi balad nistam :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on October 07, 2010, 05:58:33 PM
After 4 days up here...you may be on to something :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on October 09, 2010, 07:55:15 PM
It's been a tough year....

But not everyone is as lucky as I am......


The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on October 09, 2010, 09:17:07 PM
 :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on October 09, 2010, 09:21:04 PM
ROFLMAO...... at the last one..............  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on October 09, 2010, 11:23:19 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on October 10, 2010, 07:12:53 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on October 28, 2010, 02:03:00 AM
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man.  The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine.  It must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'  When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"  Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 :whistle:



 




Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on October 28, 2010, 06:55:23 AM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on October 28, 2010, 08:42:45 AM
 :wall:  :wall:  :wall:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on October 28, 2010, 04:57:17 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on October 29, 2010, 09:09:32 AM
 :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on November 03, 2010, 03:01:59 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M)  :guru:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on November 03, 2010, 07:29:57 AM
Classic.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 05, 2010, 07:11:48 AM
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man.  The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine.  It must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'  When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"  Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 :whistle:



 



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on November 05, 2010, 08:48:21 AM
Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow:  "I give fifty litres of milk every day, and that's why
I am the greatest!!"

The Ant:  "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry
fifty-two times my own weight, and that's why I am the greatest!!"




 



Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on November 05, 2010, 10:32:08 AM
 :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 05, 2010, 10:45:03 AM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:

 


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 05, 2010, 07:37:58 PM
 :o :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 05, 2010, 08:44:16 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 05, 2010, 09:19:44 PM
..........Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

 :think: :whistle:
just noticed that the 4 oldest guys on the forum are the only ones to post

 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on November 05, 2010, 10:12:56 PM
:think: :whistle:
just noticed that the 4 oldest guys on the forum are the only ones to post

 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:

I'd better chime in then. That double nickel is right around the corner. :o :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on November 17, 2010, 01:10:46 PM
Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school
teacher. But, before school started he injured his back.  He was
required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong
breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his
chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year...


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on November 17, 2010, 01:12:10 PM
 :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on November 17, 2010, 01:17:47 PM
 :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 17, 2010, 09:03:20 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 17, 2010, 09:11:19 PM
 :o
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on November 26, 2010, 08:39:14 PM
Image of fatal boating incident just moments before it happens.  Not for the squeamish!












































Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on November 26, 2010, 09:12:12 PM
Mwuu ha ha ha ha ha :twisted:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on November 26, 2010, 09:44:52 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 26, 2010, 10:33:44 PM
 :thumb: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 27, 2010, 08:13:23 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 08, 2010, 03:21:17 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on December 08, 2010, 04:02:38 PM
<snikker snort>  :twisted:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on December 08, 2010, 04:25:36 PM
Sigh... ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on December 08, 2010, 04:41:59 PM
My Mortie can't be used as a siren ... he's been "sans-[billiards]" for a rather long time.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on December 08, 2010, 05:01:36 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'
:rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on December 08, 2010, 05:30:40 PM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on December 08, 2010, 07:38:59 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on December 08, 2010, 08:31:55 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 09, 2010, 10:07:32 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on December 09, 2010, 11:36:37 AM
I can't stop to imagine a cat as a siren  :lol:

Should be like the beginning of the Immigrant Song sung by a cat


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on December 17, 2010, 10:01:09 PM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest
opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the
world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 18, 2010, 06:13:36 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on December 18, 2010, 07:11:43 AM
 :hoghappy:  :rofl:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on December 19, 2010, 01:31:31 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on December 20, 2010, 07:11:40 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on December 23, 2010, 09:44:04 PM
Forrest Gump goes to Heaven.

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.. I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was..'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers..'Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 23, 2010, 09:57:50 PM
 :doh:  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on December 23, 2010, 09:59:53 PM
 :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on December 23, 2010, 10:14:36 PM
 :yawn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on December 24, 2010, 12:36:50 AM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 24, 2010, 10:32:57 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on December 24, 2010, 12:52:44 PM
Just doing as the title says... " you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes "

 ??? :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 24, 2010, 05:56:11 PM
Trying to stay on topic.....  :o


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on December 24, 2010, 11:42:27 PM
 :backoff:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on January 02, 2011, 10:53:10 AM
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '


'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.  :guru: :guru:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on January 02, 2011, 12:53:53 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on January 03, 2011, 07:50:41 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 03, 2011, 06:08:13 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on January 03, 2011, 06:55:08 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Hanski on January 04, 2011, 01:48:20 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on January 10, 2011, 08:55:14 PM
My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on January 10, 2011, 10:24:27 PM
 :rofl: :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 11, 2011, 07:15:10 AM
 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

Finally! Tech that I can understand!

 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on January 11, 2011, 09:02:59 AM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on January 14, 2011, 02:28:47 AM
Rocco excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know??????'
The Italian mother replied: 'I don't like her.'
 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 14, 2011, 08:54:17 AM
When do we get to the punch line?


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on January 14, 2011, 02:23:39 PM
 :doh:
 :whistle:
 :think:
looks back at cowboy joke and wonders about GP :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on January 14, 2011, 08:17:43 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 15, 2011, 07:56:03 AM
GP knows they ain't jokes. They real guys  ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on January 16, 2011, 09:08:50 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on January 25, 2011, 08:52:01 PM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on January 25, 2011, 09:05:11 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :chkn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on January 25, 2011, 09:11:15 PM
 :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on January 25, 2011, 09:11:52 PM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on January 25, 2011, 10:23:01 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 25, 2011, 11:06:43 PM
 :yawn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sujo1 on January 26, 2011, 10:11:40 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on January 26, 2011, 11:01:07 PM
:yawn:

must be another one where GP is waiting for the punch line  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on January 27, 2011, 09:35:28 AM
No punch left in these after a few centuries.  ::)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on February 14, 2011, 01:13:46 PM
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But    mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed,   socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.  The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.  One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped.

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on February 14, 2011, 01:31:24 PM
 :wall:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on February 14, 2011, 01:36:56 PM
 :rofl:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on February 14, 2011, 04:51:56 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on February 14, 2011, 05:24:31 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on February 14, 2011, 07:54:41 PM
 :hoghappy: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on February 14, 2011, 08:06:55 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on February 15, 2011, 05:29:02 PM
GP's response to above joke.....
 
:wall:

next 5 responses (all from guys).....
{quote}  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: {/quote}

 :think: :think:
there seems to be a trend here

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on February 15, 2011, 08:06:33 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on February 15, 2011, 08:19:29 PM
GP's response to above joke.....
 
next 5 responses (all from guys).....
{quote}  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: {/quote}

 :think: :think:
there seems to be a trend here

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

But!  The true questions are....  Are we laughing at the stupid joke? OR... Are we laughing cause once again a stupid joke got GP bangin her head on the wall?  :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on February 15, 2011, 09:21:22 PM
 :think: :think:

YES

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on February 15, 2011, 09:50:38 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on February 15, 2011, 10:29:18 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on February 15, 2011, 10:56:48 PM
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on February 15, 2011, 11:31:17 PM
 :twisted:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on February 16, 2011, 07:05:41 AM
 :angel:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on February 17, 2011, 09:11:40 PM
Once again, I've done my duty...

 :-*

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on February 17, 2011, 10:02:16 PM
from the top of the page.....,
No punch left in these after a few centuries.  ::)

 :think: :think: :whistle:
and here we thought Guru was old
GP admits she was around the first time this joke was told
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on February 18, 2011, 07:00:25 AM
Naw. I've figured out how to read your handwriting.  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 11, 2011, 08:01:05 AM
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket.
 
When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.


Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program.
 
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The injury did not appear to be severe.

After police and an ambulance arrived at the scene, Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw . . . injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on March 11, 2011, 08:33:12 AM
 :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 11, 2011, 10:04:23 AM
 :rofl: :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 11, 2011, 10:09:14 AM
I've noticed that...  People tend to get super clumsy and uncoordinated after messing with a Marine.  :noevil:   :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on March 11, 2011, 07:34:37 PM
 :rofl: Yea stabbing a Marine isn't the smartest thing to do.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 11, 2011, 07:44:28 PM
Much like my mate Tom.  If I wanted to I could lay one on him ... but by hell it had better count coz I wouldn't get a second shot! :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on March 11, 2011, 07:56:40 PM
Must have been a REALLY steep curb.................... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rick: :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 11, 2011, 08:01:52 PM
I don't understand (SURPRISE!  :guru: )

This is Tom, he's a wee lad of just under 300lb, ex army recon.  Unlike your average American grunt we expect ours to be able to read, count and speak (intelligible) English, so he's not just a "meat axe" either.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 11, 2011, 08:04:40 PM
ahhhh
 :think:
why is he all red from the waist down :whistle:
did he see the guy fall off the curb and try to help  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 11, 2011, 08:10:16 PM
Ok, starting to get the "curb" comments  :doh: (I'm home with a head cold)

That's actually stuff called Phos-check.  It's a fire retardant we use for aerial bombing, kind of an "instant fire break".  EXTREMELY effective.  It's roughly the consistency of fresh blood and since the hose doesn't have a valve most of the time (it's on the foam hose which was in use as well) it can splash around a little when we're coupling and uncoupling from the planes.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 12, 2011, 06:33:33 AM
But no one has asked the most important question...

Is he single?


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 12, 2011, 09:19:26 AM
  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 12, 2011, 02:08:59 PM
Currently, yes.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 12, 2011, 09:26:10 PM
Why does "currently" sound ominous?  :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 13, 2011, 12:29:37 AM
I have no idea what his intentions are.  I only know his status at last report.  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 13, 2011, 09:48:18 AM
If he looks that good in his kit, be nice to see him out of...well...everything.  :angevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 13, 2011, 03:57:10 PM
I can hook you up on facebook if you like ... though his humour is not exactly for everyone. (pretty common for emergency services folk as it happens) he's working in mine rescue these days.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 13, 2011, 08:45:57 PM
Ta for the thought but hold position for now. I'm about to go walkabout end of the month. If he's still there when I get back [and I haven't met the hunk of my dreams on the trip], we can trade morgue humor then. Sounds like we'll make a gruesome twosome.  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 13, 2011, 10:36:15 PM
 :think: :think: ???
thought you were already semi-attached  ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 14, 2011, 01:11:56 AM
Actually, to give fair warning, Tom is THE most racist guy I have ever met.  Funny thing is he's half Pacific Islander (and half Irish) and he considers himself not only "white" but a "white supremacist".  Getting him wound up on the subject is NOT recommended.  :doh:

I'd also trust him with my life in a heartbeat.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 14, 2011, 08:39:01 AM
Uh oh. Then he won't get along with my gang of globals. Only race I recognize is human. Color differentials are simply decorative and I get to pick the combos that appeal to me.

Persian Diversion was doing the standoff thing and looked like I'd been dropped. But now he wants to come over and bring his mom again. Color me confused, but curious.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 14, 2011, 01:18:52 PM
Tom's dad is a Pacific Islander and he has particular issues with his dad (alcoholic, walks in and out of jobs, generally bad supporter) and they carry over to ANY pacific indigenous folk.  He considers himself 100% Australian and nothing but.  Is also covering his Mum's mortgage and household costs when she's out of casual work.  Tom also served in a number of places he won't tell me about, but you can see him "flare" around certain nationalities and it's not a typical "you're different" kind of thing.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 14, 2011, 05:38:19 PM
In case you're wondering, yes I am trying to put you off him.  Tom's a mate of mine and THE guy I want next to me in a street fight but he's not so great with things like relationships let alone people groups known (here) for bringing their home politics and tribal violence with them when they emigrate.  He makes exceptions for individuals but everybody gets the same starting point.

I suppose I could just say he hates everybody unless you individually prove you're worth the air you breathe.  That would about cover it.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 14, 2011, 06:30:37 PM
........  He makes exceptions for individuals but everybody gets the same starting point.
........he hates everybody unless you individually prove you're worth the air you breathe.  .......

 :think:
dont see anything wrong with that  :thumb:

must write this down  :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 15, 2011, 07:53:59 AM
In case you're wondering, yes I am trying to put you off him.  Tom's a mate of mine and THE guy I want next to me in a street fight but he's not so great with things like relationships let alone people groups known (here) for bringing their home politics and tribal violence with them when they emigrate.  He makes exceptions for individuals but everybody gets the same starting point.

I suppose I could just say he hates everybody unless you individually prove you're worth the air you breathe.  That would about cover it.
Fair enough. Got enough screwups in my life without adding to the collection.  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 15, 2011, 07:13:09 PM
You two MIGHT be friends, but I wouldn't go looking for anything more ... besides he's ... a little out of your target age bracket and behaves as such a lot of the time.  You'd tire of him pretty quickly.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 15, 2011, 07:15:12 PM
Sounds like he needs to meet GP's neighbor.  ROFL!!!  :whistle:  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 15, 2011, 07:18:48 PM
Oh now they'd get along FAMOUSLY!  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on March 15, 2011, 09:31:28 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 17, 2011, 09:04:24 AM
Oooooooooo! Sic him on the bearded wonder and let him adjust attitude  :lolol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 17, 2011, 03:16:27 PM
A wee bit of Irish humor
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
   
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
   
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet???   I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.   
Discretion is me middle name!  Leave it to me."
   
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.   
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
   
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
                                           
    ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
   
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand."
   
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it!"
     
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
   
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight!"
   
   ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
   
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
   
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
   
"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
   
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
   
"I did, all right," the drunk says with a smile.
   
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
   
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
   
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
   
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
   
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
   
"Of course you can come in; you're always welcome, Tim.. but where's my husband?"
   
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"
   
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me!"
   
"I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry.
   
Finally, she looked up. "How did it happen, Tim?"   
"It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
   
"Oh, my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"
   
"Well, Brenda, no.  In fact, he got out three times to pee."
   
    ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
   
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible!  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
   
  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
   
AND THE  BEST FOR LAST; an oldie, but a goodie.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
   
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
   
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on March 17, 2011, 03:40:41 PM
 :doh:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on March 17, 2011, 04:51:15 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on March 23, 2011, 07:42:27 AM
Laws Newton Forgot
 
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
 
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
 
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
 
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
 
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
 
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
 
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
 
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
 
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold!
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on March 23, 2011, 09:25:35 PM
Oh yeah...   :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 24, 2011, 07:15:23 AM
Law of the Coffee also causes the phone to ring  :fing1:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on March 24, 2011, 07:54:56 AM
and the 3 yr old to need something...RIGHT AWAY  :doh: :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on March 24, 2011, 08:25:35 PM
3 yr old's always need something RIGHT AWAY don't they.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on April 11, 2011, 05:53:08 PM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?

The bride to be said; "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

That one was a Conservative," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
 :yap:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on April 11, 2011, 06:02:19 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rick: :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 11, 2011, 06:09:24 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 11, 2011, 06:57:22 PM
Oh ha ha.  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on April 11, 2011, 07:00:33 PM
 :ugh:  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on April 12, 2011, 06:41:35 AM
I think she said Liberal, but there's really no difference  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on May 07, 2011, 07:16:34 PM
Quote from: JOHN CLEESE
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level

from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “p*** Off” to “Let’s get the b******.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and

“The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

– John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

:lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on May 07, 2011, 08:07:15 PM
Yep, the barbie is still a go for the weekend!  :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on May 07, 2011, 08:38:06 PM
Good to know DA. lol


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on May 12, 2011, 02:22:32 PM
Bin Laden                               
Given Religious Funeral Prior to Sea Burial
Published May 02, 2011

Osama bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to his burial at sea, senior military officials told Fox News.

Religious rites were conducted on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson aircraft carrier beginning at 0110 ZULU Monday in the Persian Gulf.

In accordance with Islamic practice, bin Laden was washed and wrapped in a white sheet before buried at sea at 0200 ZULU, senior U.S. military and intelligence officials said.

Then, "In accordance with common U.S. Navy SEAL practice, the Team pissed on him, stuck a pulled pork sandwich in his mouth, a kosher hot dog up his ass, and pushed the  M-F overboard with the other garbage," a senior SEAL officer said.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on May 14, 2011, 09:32:31 AM
Then, "In accordance with common U.S. Navy SEAL practice, the Team pissed on him, stuck a pulled pork sandwich in his mouth, a kosher hot dog up his ass, and pushed the  M-F overboard with the other garbage," a senior SEAL officer said.
:thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on June 02, 2011, 08:23:58 AM
Where did all the jokes go?  :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 02, 2011, 09:50:58 AM
 ???


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on June 02, 2011, 10:19:08 AM
That's the joke  :hoghappy:  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on June 02, 2011, 01:18:54 PM
That's the joke  :hoghappy:  :devil:
Here goes a silent laugh, then  :popcorn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 02, 2011, 05:28:03 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-pictures-i-never-want-to-lose-again.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 02, 2011, 05:33:47 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-pictures-the-smirk-says-it-all.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on June 02, 2011, 05:52:06 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-pictures-i-never-want-to-lose-again.jpg)
:lolol: :lolol: :lolol:  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:  :lolol: :lolol: :lolol:

I wonder what this cat did to deserve this, he looks quite the devil


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 02, 2011, 07:07:52 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-pictures-why-you-pee-in-goggies-water-bowl-ai-nawt-complaynin-jus-askin.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 02, 2011, 07:22:29 PM
 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

(http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/memes-hey-baby-lookin-for-someone-to-cross-your-path.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 02, 2011, 07:35:33 PM
 :lol:  :noevil:  :lol:
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-pictures-they-dont-know-who-betrayed-bin-ladin-to-the-cia-but-this-is-a-pic-of-his-cat-the-day-after.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on June 03, 2011, 10:37:34 AM
I LOVE it! Must steal.  :thumb:  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 04, 2011, 11:08:02 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/epic-fail-photos-technology-fail.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 04, 2011, 11:13:35 PM
Ever wonder why Delta ddon't do so good?

Houston to Dallas flights.....  It don't take that long to drive.
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/dba8fa16-8312-4d60-93fa-5783a5ebe0c8.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 04, 2011, 11:32:36 PM
 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :lolol:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

 :doh:  :doh:  :doh:  :doh:  :doh:  :doh:  :doh:  :doh:  :doh:

(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/epic-fail-photos-dog-treat-fail.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 07, 2011, 04:19:23 PM
(http://chzhistoriclols.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-pictures-history-everywhere-throughout-the-city-peter-parkers-illegitimate-children-are-easy-to-spot.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on June 07, 2011, 04:59:43 PM
So ... I guess that wasn't web he was leaving all around the city.  :o


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on June 07, 2011, 06:40:24 PM
Well, it was STICKY... :toilet:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on June 11, 2011, 08:36:39 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 15, 2011, 10:39:32 AM
And then the fight started...

(http://i24.servimg.com/u/f24/15/54/83/59/dirtyt10.jpg)

 :rick: :rofl: :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 15, 2011, 11:21:16 AM
Oh yea... This is the "Stupid Jokes" thread...

(http://i24.servimg.com/u/f24/15/54/83/59/cheeta10.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 17, 2011, 03:51:18 PM
 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :doh:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

Ya Think?  :trink2:

(http://i24.servimg.com/u/f24/15/54/83/59/gfthro10.png)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on June 17, 2011, 05:03:59 PM
And then the fight started...

(http://i24.servimg.com/u/f24/15/54/83/59/dirtyt10.jpg)

 :rick: :rofl: :rick:

 :hoghappy: :hoghappy: :hoghappy: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :hoghappy: :hoghappy: :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on June 17, 2011, 07:39:16 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on June 18, 2011, 12:14:53 PM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on June 19, 2011, 12:52:23 PM
 :hmm:  :doh:  :hmm:

(http://chzholidays.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/weird-fathers-day-gift.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on June 19, 2011, 03:15:07 PM
Either they ain't eddicated on no grammar or Dad's a lot closer kinfolk than most  :o


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on June 19, 2011, 07:10:32 PM
:eh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on June 27, 2011, 01:20:48 AM
Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Gloria Jean's again!'


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on June 27, 2011, 09:15:12 AM
 :-[ :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 12, 2011, 08:13:21 AM
The Obama administration sent back my Census Form.
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?'
I replied: 'Yes. 12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable
[buzzard]s who didn't want to finish free school, the cast of The
Jerry Springer Show, 2 million people in our penal establishments,
half of Mexico, some members of Congress and most of the Senate.
 
Apparently that wasn't an acceptable answer.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 12, 2011, 01:20:32 PM
 :think: Sounds like an accurate answer to me...  :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on July 12, 2011, 06:18:42 PM
The Obama administration sent back my Census Form.
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?'
I replied: 'Yes. 12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable
[buzzard]s who didn't want to finish free school, the cast of The
Jerry Springer Show, 2 million people in our penal establishments,
half of Mexico, some members of Congress and most of the Senate.
 
Apparently that wasn't an acceptable answer.


 :rofl:

Would be  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: if it wasn't also  :doh: :doh: :doh: true


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 12, 2011, 08:39:12 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:

 :think:

and one son still at home  :thumb: :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 15, 2011, 01:44:10 PM
Waiting to           enter Paradise


When everyone left on           earth was waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I           want the men
to make two lines. One line is for the men who
were           true heads of their household, and the other line is for the men who           were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.           Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of           men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles           long. In the line of
men who truly were heads of their household,           there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of           yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have           been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you,           only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man,           "How did you manage

to be the only one in this           line?"

 

The man replied, "My wife told           me to stand       here."


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on July 15, 2011, 02:36:13 PM
Waiting to enter Paradise


When everyone left on earth was waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line is for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long. In the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Moral of the story: with time, nagging wins  :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 18, 2011, 08:20:45 PM
 :noevil:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 18, 2011, 08:22:37 PM
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 18, 2011, 08:23:50 PM
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

 :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 18, 2011, 09:43:40 PM
 :walk:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 18, 2011, 09:46:26 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 18, 2011, 10:26:30 PM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on July 22, 2011, 11:50:33 AM
To continue fing's theme....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring
at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly
into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up
to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out
there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability
too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on July 22, 2011, 07:52:54 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rick: :rick: :rick: :rick:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 22, 2011, 11:04:56 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 23, 2011, 09:50:20 AM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 24, 2011, 08:23:35 AM
 :popcorn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 28, 2011, 05:37:26 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/funny-pictures-jeff-thought-he-was-in-love.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on July 28, 2011, 06:21:23 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

you are soooo dead when GP sees this    :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on July 28, 2011, 09:20:37 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on July 28, 2011, 09:29:47 PM
:noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on July 29, 2011, 05:40:40 PM
GP saved the pic to share with the Persian  :devil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on July 29, 2011, 06:16:18 PM
 :lolol:  :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 04, 2011, 06:54:28 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/csw_chan/image001.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 04, 2011, 06:57:55 PM
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 05, 2011, 07:06:27 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 06, 2011, 08:38:58 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on August 08, 2011, 04:37:45 PM
Nice Marines poster:

(http://www.infosecurity.us/storage/images-2/6a00d8341cbb0453ef0120a66cbf63970b.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1312771837919)

 ;D


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 08, 2011, 04:58:06 PM
 :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 10, 2011, 09:30:03 PM
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin "

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"  The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 10, 2011, 10:21:36 PM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 10, 2011, 11:29:26 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/funny-pictures-two-can-play-the-blame-game-ya-know.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 11, 2011, 11:23:14 PM
http://www.flixxy.com/olsen-gang-elverhoj-overture-comedy-film.htm

Turn ON your sound...
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 11, 2011, 11:48:09 PM
Dat was pretty good...  :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 17, 2011, 04:05:17 PM
 :hamtaro:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 18, 2011, 05:57:18 PM
A little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees
the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound testicles,
Turner Brown."

The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you
say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always
asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name
is Turner Brown."

The little Irishman says "Turner Brown?!
Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'"

 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 18, 2011, 06:52:27 PM
 :walk:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 18, 2011, 07:17:14 PM
 :rofl:  :lolol:  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 18, 2011, 07:57:55 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 18, 2011, 09:59:22 PM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on August 21, 2011, 07:38:52 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 24, 2011, 07:01:11 AM
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor.  "Stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response."

 

That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den.  He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away.  Let's see what happens."  Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

No response.

 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

Again he gets no response.

 

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

Again there is no response.

 So he walks right up behind her.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph!  For the FIFTH f***ing time, it's CHICKEN!"
 :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 24, 2011, 09:49:55 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 24, 2011, 11:10:34 AM
 :fing:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 24, 2011, 06:32:24 PM
:doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 24, 2011, 07:43:21 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 25, 2011, 01:12:10 AM
Left Brain Humour...

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
 :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 25, 2011, 09:39:50 AM
 :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 25, 2011, 10:35:15 AM
Dang. Might need to share those with those friends who speak English as a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc language  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 25, 2011, 10:37:42 AM
Oh sure, just confuse them even more GP.  ROFL!!!


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 25, 2011, 10:57:09 AM
 :rofl:  :lolol:  :rofl:

 :doh:

(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/funny-pictures-bet-your-girlfriends-disappointed.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Guitar Man on August 25, 2011, 09:18:00 PM
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on August 25, 2011, 11:20:01 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 26, 2011, 08:28:05 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on August 27, 2011, 02:03:10 PM
How My Neighbour's House Was Destroyed By A Butterfly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu7mEelECvc

 :think:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 27, 2011, 03:54:06 PM
 :noevil:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on August 28, 2011, 01:16:15 AM
 :lol:  :doh:

(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/funny-pictures-follow-your-dreams.jpg)

OK Had to add this one......  What hte..........
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/funny-pictures-hard-to-keep-a-kitteh-oudda-trubbol.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on August 28, 2011, 08:11:52 AM
:eh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on August 28, 2011, 10:55:34 AM
Love the kitteh dreams  :thumb:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 02, 2011, 01:50:46 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynaecologist".
The proctologist fainted


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 02, 2011, 10:10:19 AM
 :toilet:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 02, 2011, 10:25:44 AM
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Washington State Trooper walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the upcoming State Troopers Ball.
He replied, M'am... Washington State Troopers don't have balls.
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left!!


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 02, 2011, 05:28:04 PM
<gigglesnort> lol


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 02, 2011, 05:52:48 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on September 02, 2011, 08:15:20 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on September 03, 2011, 10:05:29 AM
 :rofl: :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 05, 2011, 11:05:43 PM
 Saw this Yo' momma joke I haven't seen before.....

Yo' momma is SOOo ugly, her birth certificate was an apology from the condom factory.

 :doh:  :rofl:  :doh:



Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 06, 2011, 09:00:58 AM
 :toilet:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 06, 2011, 12:33:29 PM
Yo Momma's so fat, she pulls other Mommas into orbit around her.  :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 16, 2011, 03:11:20 PM
Question:  What does Netflix and Diarrhea have in comon?


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on September 16, 2011, 03:17:09 PM
Question:  What does Netflix and Diarrhea have in comon?
Both come out when you least expect?  :hoghappy:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 16, 2011, 11:31:26 PM
Nah....  Two words....

Both provide Instant streaming.  :P


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 17, 2011, 09:55:14 AM
And delivery times are intermittant  :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on September 17, 2011, 10:14:09 AM
You think its on demand, but those two seem to have a mind of ther own   ;D


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on September 29, 2011, 01:35:38 AM
Always knew the "nice guy" persona was a ruse.

(http://chzheroes.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/superheroes-batman-superman-oh-that-superman.jpg)


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on September 29, 2011, 01:57:46 AM
I suspect this guy won't be getting any more speaking requests, somehow.


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on September 29, 2011, 09:17:23 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: sensai on September 29, 2011, 11:24:37 AM
Reminds me of this (http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blrevocation_cleese.htm).  ;D


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on September 30, 2011, 11:11:10 AM
I suspect this guy won't be getting any more speaking requests, somehow.

I liked his style, and his cause seems to be a good one :thumb:

 :popcorn:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on September 30, 2011, 09:54:21 PM
Ah... an oldie but a goodie - we here in the colonies enjoy a hardy laugh - at the "mother" country :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Dark Angel on March 31, 2012, 05:22:01 PM
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a bellybutton.  In its
place was a silver screw.  All the doctors told his mother there was
nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it...He was [slightly modified].

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the
screw made fun of him.  He avoided leaving his house...thus, never
made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in
Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.  He was thrilled. The
next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to
Nepal.  After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a
giant monastery.  The monk knew exactly why he had come.  The screwy
guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the
following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.  The
man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open
window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just
moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the
window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on
the pillow next to him.  Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there
was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...And his butt fell
off.

The moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose
your ass.'


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Ghost Plane on March 31, 2012, 07:58:58 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on April 01, 2012, 05:26:45 PM
 :rofl: :doh: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on April 08, 2012, 09:37:24 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 17, 2012, 09:27:51 PM
What did the Daddy buffalo say to his son heading of to college ?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Bison
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: PiNkY on November 18, 2012, 03:25:48 AM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: Tabajara on November 18, 2012, 07:11:25 AM
 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 18, 2012, 06:46:35 PM
 :doh: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 18, 2012, 09:13:28 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 27, 2012, 07:21:40 PM
I saw this one on ESPN...........

If Intelligence was Sunshine...

You'd be an eclipse ....

 :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 28, 2012, 12:24:54 AM
Oh yea...  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 28, 2012, 06:22:04 PM
So a chicken and duck were standing by a road..... the duck looks at the chicken, the chicken looks back at the duck....... the stand a few more minutes, and the same thing happens..... the duck looks at the chicken and the chicken looks back............ again a few minutes pass and the duck looks at the chicken and the chicken looks back...... the duck starts to move across the road, and the chicken says STOP........ You'll never live it down :whistle:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on November 29, 2012, 07:48:18 PM
 :think: :doh:    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on November 30, 2012, 04:02:13 PM
 :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on December 07, 2012, 10:13:42 AM
An Early Christmas Groaner...

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said.  "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
 :devil:
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on December 07, 2012, 11:02:34 AM
 :doh: :rick: :doh:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: jan649 on December 07, 2012, 05:22:22 PM
 :doh: :fish:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 08, 2012, 06:51:58 AM
 :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: cswchan on December 09, 2012, 03:47:47 PM
Senior Pick-Up Line
 
 
A rather elderly gentleman, in his mid-eighties, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.  He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel.  He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.  Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking ladyin her mid-seventies.  The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking... do I come here often?"

 :recline:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: TLD on December 09, 2012, 08:39:32 PM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on December 16, 2012, 07:45:23 AM
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: rwillis on November 18, 2014, 04:18:36 PM
Best One Liner Ever.........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VH4c0-p-CY&feature=youtu.be (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VH4c0-p-CY&feature=youtu.be)     :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Title: Re: you want stupid jokes? We've GOT MORE stupid jokes X 3
Post by: fingerle on November 18, 2014, 06:12:34 PM
 :hoghappy:  :lol: